Happy New Year

First of all, there is no labor. Nothing, nada, zilch. I'm fully convinced now that we will see January 5 come and go with NO BABY. All those contractions the other night? Slutty teases. So if you want to stop reading here, there ya go.




Still with me? Oh, sweet. Well, then, Happy New Year!

We've got killer New Year's Eve plans. Oh, yes, it will be a rip-roaring night of hedonism and debauchery. Well, OK, more like the History Channel, some sandwiches and--ooooooooohhh--real Coke and full-fat Cheetos. I'd bet you $100 that I'm asleep before midnight. But, then again, you already know me and wouldn't even bother to bet, because OF COURSE I'll be asleep before midnight.

Even though I may not be participating in the traditional New Year's Eve celebrations, I do have some resolutions for 2006. The way I write my resolutions goes a little something like this: I think about some things that I really want to do and that would be good for me in some way (and this criteria may be loosely applied). Then, I choose only the attainable goals. They also have to be things that I would probably do anyway. That way, come next year when I look back at my list of resolutions to see how I did? I will be so proud of myself, because I fulfilled every single one of them!

And now,

My New Year's Resolutions for 2006

1. Have a baby.
   
2. Kiss and hug and snuggle and cuddle baby. A lot.
   
3. Kiss and hug and snuggle and cuddle baby's papa. A lot.
   
4. Watch more television that is not the History Channel.
   
5. Find a good hair stylist that I can stick with for a while.
   
6. Buy some shoes.
   
7. Play some more Sudoku.
   
8. More apples, fewer Cheetos.
9. More yogurt, less ice cream.
10. More chill, less freak-the-hell-out.

And there's 10, so I'll stop. Because overcoming obsessive-compulsive tendencies is nowhere on that list.

A Message From Guest Services

Dear Baby,

Thank you for choosing Hotel Mommy. We trust that your stay has been comfortable and that you have found your accommodations satisfactory. If for any reason, you have not been completely satisfied with the amenities and service at Hotel Mommy, we are confident that you will bring your concerns to our attention promptly.
We would like to remind you that your scheduled check-out date is January 5, 2006. While you are welcome to take advantage of your entire full term of occupancy, we’d like to offer you an exclusive early check-out incentive package. In the very near future, we are hoping to add new activities to our program--specifically, the swigging of big honking glasses of wine and newborn head-sniffing. However, these activities will only be possible after your departure from the premises. Therefore, in exchange for your early check-out, we would like to offer you immediate full access to the following amenities at our sister resort, Home:

• Fully outfitted crib with delightful jungle motif, Pack N’ Play/bassinet with all the bells and whistles, the most popular bouncy seat (just like all the "cool kids" have), ultra-stylish stroller and car seat--all for your exclusive enjoyment and convenience.


• A wide assortment of books, toys, and educational playthings


• A plethora of infant fashions


• Scads of adult attendants who will ensure that your every want and need is promptly met


• Much, much, more.

In addition to these offers, we would also like to invite you take advantage of unlimited dining at Hotel Mommy after you relocate to Home (rest assured that "pump-and-dump" is practiced after each aforementioned wine spree for your safety and digestive ease).
We would be remiss in neglecting to inform you that late check-out must be coordinated with the Hotel, and that this practice is seriously frowned upon. Late check-out carries with it a number of penalties, including frequent lifelong reminders of “How Your Tardiness Really Got to Be a Pain in the Butt,” administered on a regular basis by The Mommy.

We know you don’t have a choice in accommodations, but we nonetheless hope you have enjoyed your stay.

Now get packing.

Sincerely,
The Management

"Oh-Holy-Hell-I'm-Going-to-be-Someone's-Mom" Moment No. 17

After a pretty uneventful doctor's appointment this morning (You know the drill--be careful with that linky, for it is the Portal to the World of the Big Fat Pregnant Lady), I stopped by the lube place (No, not THAT place, the car oil-changing place! I'm 9 months pregnant, for crying the hell out loud!) because I was criminally behind on my automotive maintenance schedule, and then, for being such a responsible car-owner, I rewarded myself by dropping into Barnes & Noble for a quick browse. They had calendars 1/2 off, and I luhve a good calendar, and I still don't have one for 2006. So, of course, a purchase was in order.

I browsed the O'Keefe calendars, the Japanese woodblock print calendars, the teacher's organizational calendars, and the Gary Larson calendars. (I did not, by the way, check out any kitten calendars, puppy calendars, nor horse, rabbit, guinea pig, or other fuzzy animal calendars, because com'on people, blyeckh.)

And then, the heavens parted, and behold, on the third tier of the calendar display was the most beautiful, glorious calendar I've ever seen. It flaunted no artwork, but instead sported double pages of lined (Lined! For my jotting convenience!) boxes, plus it was narrow enough that it would fit on one of my refrigerator doors. AND, get this: It had a magnetic strip across the top so that it would adhere firmly to said refrigerator door. It was the perfect calendar. Practical and nifty and not frou-frou at all. Too bad it was designed for busy moms, and plainly said "Mom" in the title. And everyone knows that I am not a mom. So even if I bought it anyway, just for its amazing practical-ness, people would think I was weird or something.

But then, I realized...wait a minute...ah, shit.

Tomorrow Is Another Day

Thanks to Real Girl and this book, I’ve been inspired to get back on the Eating Right Wagon. Remember, I used to be a nutrition fiend, but well, pregnancy does things to a person. So I had one last Mexican food throw-down last night, and then, in the misery that ensued, vowed to get clean today. I know I’m going to have to go on a full-fledged plan soon anyway, what with 35 pounds to shed (yes, I know most of it is baby and water and such, but gah—35 damned pounds, y’all), so I thought it’d be good to start easing back onto the track.

So this morning, I returned to Fitday.com. I was astounded that my username and password still worked. I began logging today’s Good Choices:

7am Shredded Mini-Wheats with skim milk (See, it’s easy)

8am ½ slice of pumpkin bread (I could have had a whole slice, but will-power prevailed. That, and the fact that there was only ½ slice left.)

10am An orange (I’m good at this! Nothing to it!)

10:30 am 35 minutes on the treadmill (Could I be any more dedicated?)

11:15 am A cup of nonfat yogurt (Yay, me!)

And that’s where things started to go downhill.

For lunch? All I wanted was a Frito sandwich. “What’s that?” you ask? Well, you get two slices of white bread, some mayonnaise, a slice of cheese, and some Fritos. You spread the mayo on the bread, place the cheese on one side, arrange a nice crunchy layer of Fritos on the other side, smash the two slices of bread together, and Voila. Frito Sandwich.

Really, I tried to convince myself that I really wanted a tuna sandwich, or some fruit, or something else a little less Bad and Wrong, but then I remembered that age-old piece of advice: If you really want something, it’s better to go ahead and have it than try to deprive yourself of it, because sooner or later, you’re just going to eat it anyway.

So I had a Frito sandwich. And it was good.

Almost as good as the ice cream I ate for dessert.

To Do

Tasks That Must Be Completed.

Soon.

1. Do some laundry.


2. Iron and put away laundry.


3. Do some dishes.


4. Finish washing baby’s clothes and linens.


5. Put away baby’s clothes and linens.


6. Buy some baby hangers because this kid has got so many friggin’ clothes we’re going to have to have fourteen wardrobe changes every hour for the first two weeks of his tender little life just so he gets to wear them all. And we can play “I’m Too Sexy” while he models the rompers and onesies and jumpers.


7. Go buy some makeup brushes and a new clock for the kitchen and a portable steam cleaner. Because I have a yearning for each of these things. And a fresh Target gift card.


8. Write some thank you notes, especially to my mom for the cash (for shoes!) and the awesome skincare products that will hopefully transform this tea-stained chloasmic skin back to something that resembles the cracker that I once was. Also to my grandmother—my 95-year-old grandmother--who gifted me with Philosophy’s Fall in Love fragrance set. My 95-year-old grandmother is super-hip, y’all. She also gave me cash. For shoes. My mom and my grandmother? They totally get it.


9. Walk on the treadmill. Yeah, that’s so going to help at this point. This ass is beyond anything that a treadmill might do for it. But the walking might help gravity a little.


10. Watch some TLC.


11. Take down the Christmas tree. Well, I’ll undecorate it, but the Mr.’s got to do the disassembly.


12. Undecorate the mantle. And by the way, what crazy dumbass decided that Santa train stocking holders and three wooden Wisemen statues could actually go together? Gah. I must have been insane.


13. Put on some makeup. Before the Mr. gets home. Because I look like spilled death.


14. Take some more Robitussin and hope that it works. Really, if I keep coughing like this, I’m going to have to invest in some Depends.


15. Dilate already.

Words Were Made for Eatin'

You might be interested to know that Lil' Miss Bad-Ass (aka Me, Yesterday--and be VERY CAREFUL with that link--it takes you to a PREGNANT WOMAN'S website, complete with crap about weight gain and dilation and the lack thereof) is currently having her butt kicked.

By the common cold.

Yeah, cute, huh? 8.75 months without so much as a sniffle, and now that we're less than 2 weeks away from our due date? Hacking and sneezing and coughing and rattling and blowing and snotting everywhere. And the arsenal of "drugs" that I'm using to fight this bugger? Sudafed, saline drops, and Baby Vicks Vapor Rub.

It's OK. I'm laughing at me, too.

Could I Have a Do-Over?

Remember in the movie, “Back to the Future,” how Marty changes just a few little details from the past which dramatically alter his future? Well, if I were to go back in time, and make a few little tweaks here and there, I can tell you one thing right now: I would somehow plant a little seed in the head of someone who would later convince me not to enter the field of education. Instead, they would steer me, oh, more in the direction of software development. Specifically, internet search engine software technology. Because dudes, this guy was offered $10 million in a compensation package. That is $10 million JUST TO CHANGE COMPANIES and work on their little program.

And all this time, I’ve felt so smug about my respectable paltry annual stipend for being bilingual.

Pshawh.

Dear Amalah,

Your entry today broke my heart. I cried for you and I cried for me, too. And what I say today, I hope I will remember in just few short months:

Don't feel obligated to justify any decision that you make as a mother. It is very, very evident that you love that boy immensely--we all know it and you know it, and he knows it too. No matter what, you and Jason are the most important people in his life, and he knows that he is the most important person in yours.

You are a wonderful mom.

It will be OK.

(And yes, I'm saying that as much for myself as I am for you.)

Your faithful reader,
J

Absurdities

This is a real conversation that I had today with a customer service rep in Best Buy:

Me: Excuse me, sir (yes, I really said that). I have a question for you.

Customer Service Rep (the most responsible and knowledgeable --i.e. oldest--employee I spotted): Yes, ma'am how can I help you?

Me: What would be the best way for me to know when you will have any XBox 360s in stock?

CSR: You should probably just call us every single day.

Me: Ok, so what's the best time of day to call so that I'd have a chance of catching a shipment?

CSR: Well, when we get a shipment, we don't put it out until the following day, so if I were you, I'd call around 6:00 in the evening. That way, if we have received any that day, you can come down, pitch a tent, and be ready when we open the next morning.

I did not laugh. This whole XBox 360 thing is Not a Joke, especially when there is a serious gamer in your life who wants one of those babies so bad he can taste it. And I love my husband so much that for a split second, I began to think about how I could pull it off. Two little tiny details are getting in the way, though:

1) I don't have a tent.

2) Duh, this:



Want to know what's worse? There are over 90,000 of those bad boys just sitting in Tokyo right now. I've got connections. I might have to use them.

---

The following opinions are my own. If you don't like them, then kiss it and quit reading.

As I've mentioned before, I love irreverent and profane comedy, and I'm a loyal fan of the Opie and Anthony Show on XM Radio.

Since I'm on vacation, I had the luxury of listening in this morning as I was driving around town and doing a little shopping. One of their in-studio guests was Isaac Hayes. As I'm sure you know, Isaac does a hill-effing-arious voice over as Chef in South Park. As you may not have known (and I didn't), he's also a Scientologist.

Ugh.

First of all, Isaac Hayes in reality isn't nearly as articulate or intelligent as Chef, or at least he sure didn't sound that way this morning. Maybe it was a little early for him, I don't know.

Second of all, he just reiterated the notion (i.e. my opinion) that Scientology is a big ol' crock of money-making bullshit brainwashing. When O & A admitted that they didn't understand Scientology and asked Isaac to explain it a little, you know what he said?

Wait, wait, wait. First, think about your own religion or spiritual leanings. If someone asked you to explain it, what would you say? Couldn't you give a quick overview of what you believe and why? You know, something along the lines of "we believe One God, the Father the Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth..." except, well, in a non-Nicene Creed sort of way? Yeah, me too.

Here's what Isaac Hayes said:

He gave the boys a quick little recitation of what sounded much like a corporate Mission Statement, something along the lines of "Scientology is an applied religious philosophy..." blah, blah, blah, and then told the guys to read a book or take a class. Take a class? You can't just explain it in 100 words or less? I have to pay for a class and some books and stuff? Jeze, Louise.

But wait, that's not what really got me. They started talking about Tom Cruise and the campaign against Ritalin and antidepressants and medication for psychological disorders in general. You know what Isaac Hayes said? Well, after he went on and on about how Tom Cruise had saved thousands of kids' lives by speaking out against Ritalin and other meds, I shit you not, he said, [paraphrased, but close, ok?] "I could give you the whole history of psychiatry." What? Whoa, wait just a little cotton-pickin' minute. Haven't I heard that before? Oh, yeah, I have. Remember that Tom Cruise interview that Matt Lauer did? Here's what he said:

No, you see. Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.

The thing that I'm saying about Brooke is that there's misinformation, okay. And she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She-- she doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt.

Ok, what the hell IS it with the Scientologists knowing the history of psychiatry? Is one of their courses "The History of Psychiatry: In Which We Convince You That It is Bad and Wrong?" Isaac Hayes and Tom Cruise just used virtually the same exact words. And do I even give a hairy flip about the history of psychiatry? No, I do not. Do I give a damn that for some physical reason, the serotonin in my brain is released too quickly and that God allowed humans to discover a serotonin uptake inhibitor will make it stay there longer and keep me from becoming an anxiety-riddled zombie? Yes. Hell yes, I do.

You know, maybe I'm Scientologically uneducated and just turned off by self-important short guys, but Tom Cruise can kiss my ass. Isaac Hayes? I just think he wasn't smart enough to resist the brainwashing.

Gah.

You Can Place a Teacher on Maternity Leave, but...

Um, MSN? Ever hear of spell-check? Y'all kind of, like, invented it, you know.

Just in Case You Ever Wondered...

This is what lesson plans for 10 weeks of maternity leave look like:

My Spirit of Giving Could Use a Little Tweak

Every Christmas, I like to make little gift baskets filled with homemade cookies, candy, and spiced nuts for our relatives. I'm a big dork like that. Last year, I stumbled upon a recipe for delicate little jam sandwich cookies. Even with all the rolling, cutting, spreading of jam, and assembly, they turned out to be pretty much worth the effort. And they froze beautifully. So, naturally, I decided to bake a batch this year to include in the gift baskets. Thanksgiving weekend, I mixed, rolled, cut, baked, spread, and assembled a few dozen of the little beauties and popped them in the freezer.

Unfortunately, however, I won't be able to include these sweet, buttery little morsels in anyone's gift this year.

Because I just ate the last three.

Lil' Miss Know-it-All Snarky-Pants (That's Me)

I've gone a while without updating, and I'm really sorry. Although, I'm thinking there may be a whole TWO of you who have noticed. So I'll save the excuses (I'm averaging about 4.5 hours of sleep every night, trying to tie up loose ends at work, and oh, yeah, getting ready to have a kid...you know, the regular) and just get on with it.

I got an email last week from an old friend of mine--well, actually we used to be Best Friends Forever, but some stuff happened a few years ago and now we're just sort-of friends who may or may not completely patch up this BFF thing again one day. I used to date her cousin (and no, that's not the reason we're not BFFs anymore), but he turned out to be not at all my type, although I still think he's a nice guy. So, a few months ago, my now-sort-of-friend was snarking to me about his new fiance (hey, some things--like a mutual love for catty gossip--never die) and how she wasn't "all that." I said, "Oh, come on, she can't be that bad. I mean, he wouldn't choose to marry someone who wasn't wonderful, I'm sure."

Well.

Last week, she sent me some photos from the wedding with this comment: "Take a look and you'll see what I'm talking about." I'm beginning to remember why I loved this girl so much. She went on to expound on how no one in the family likes the new wife, and I'm kind of stunned by some of the things she tells me, but that's beside the point.

Because there are photos to dissect.

No, I won't share the photos, because that would just be Not Nice, but the girl is cute enough. Of course, some photos are flattering and some are not. But it was the Other Stuff that really caught my attention. We're talking basic and not-so-basic things that every bride-to-be should take into consideration when planning her wedding. Had she just consulted me (riiighhhht), she wouldn't have had people some 1200 miles away criticizing her wedding, and she may have received a tad warmer reception from the fam.

By the way, yeah, I know maybe she wanted her wedding to come off this way, and who am I to nit-pick someone else's wedding and aren't I just being bitter? Well, no. I apparently do know more about etiquette and style than she does, and it's a damned shame that some of the things that I saw were committed to film.

So, not because I am so Perfect and Right, but because I pay attention and I learn from other people's and my own mistakes, I present to you my Short but Important List of Things that Every Bride Should Remember When Planning Her Wedding:

1. Patch up the crap. Everyone notices when the groom's sister who lives a mere 30 miles away is completely absent from the wedding and when the mother of the groom refuses to even look at the camera or smile. No matter what anyone says, you ARE marrying his family, not just him.


2. Acrylic nails are out like Sheryl Swoops. Unless you have seriously ugly nails, a well-manicured set of natural nails are much prettier and more appropriate for one's wedding than thick acrylic stripper-esque nails.


3. Decide on a color scheme and stick to it. Don't follow a maroon-and-pink wedding with a red-and-yellow reception. Make up your mind for crying the Hell out loud.


4. Be very, very honest with yourself about how many people you expect to sacrifice their afternoon and/or evening, travel to your town, and get dressed up for your nuptials. Then, choose your site accordingly. A sparse 75 guests in a big ol' JesusPlex auditorium is just sad. (Perhaps heeding suggestion #1 would have helped that out a bit.)


5. And finally, and oh, how sorry I am that I even have to mention this, but unfortunately, it needs to be said: Cake-smashing is Bad and Wrong. In fact, one study revealed that 82% of couples who smash/rub/throw cake in each other's faces at their reception end up getting a divorce (no, I can't cite the study, but just go with it, OK?). Just don't do it. It's tacky.

Now, was my wedding perfect? you ask. Well, hell no. It was pretty darned sweet, though. There are two more items that I would tell brides to do that I didn't do (I'm sure there are more things I should have done, but these are the ones that I regret the most):

1. Get your hair done professionally. My bad hair day is forever documented in our wedding album.


2. Involve the sisters and sisters-in-law as much as possible and give them roles of honor. I didn't know mine all that well when I got married, and I chose a good girlfriend to serve as my matron of honor. Now, my sisters-in-law are my closest friends. Honor that potential relationship when assigning roles and duties. I wish I had.

But what did we do right?

Well, first and foremost, we had fun:

I had always wanted a fall wedding, so that's what we had. Yes, those are pumpkins. We used about 50 pumpkins of all sizes and over 100 votive candles in the decorations. Our wedding cake was chocolate because, duh--chocolate is yummy.

I didn't spend a lot of money, but I did spend a lot of time and energy on the details. I made bookmarks with literary quotes about love (yeah, I know, gushy-mushy crapola, but they were nice) for the favors. Our family and friends helped us decorate and put the centerpieces together the night before. I'm pretty sure they were all ready to poke my eyeballs out with toothpicks by the end of that night. I had my favorite local bakery bake the cake, but I provided the flowers and ornaments that I wanted it decorated with. I'm a control freak. And it showed.

There almost wasn't enough room for everyone. The chapel was small, but it was cozy and sweet and full. See, kids, it doesn't take a lot of money, just a little thought and planning.

I loved our wedding. I loved planning it and I love the memories of it. I hope that every bride feels the same about her own wedding.

And that is my non-baby update for today.